The Breeze

Last night Alaine (and consequently, I) tossed and turned.  A little before four o'clock, I sat up in bed to change her diaper.  In the few seconds her bottom was bear, she peed all over her night clothes and the blanket that was tucked under her.  I quietly kissed her as I removed the warm wet from around her body.  I fastened on a dry diaper and pulled a clean shirt over her head.  I swaddled her in a warm pink blanket...and she pooped.  I unwrapped her, changed her again, re-wrapped her, and cradled her in my arms to nurse.  She pooped again.  I peeked at the clock, calculating the number of hours until the alarm was set to ring. 

The nights are not so scary this time around.  When Gavin was born and he didn't sleep and we had to sit up for two weeks taking turns holding him just so one of us could get some sleep... the nights seemed scary then.  When it was my turn to go to the bedroom and rest on my pillow, the fear of his whimpers rendered me unable to sleep when I needed it most. 

But the nights are not so scary now.  When I lay Alaine down in her sleeping basket by my bed and when I tuck her blanket around her sleeping form, my head sinks into my pillow, my whole body relaxing.  I hear Brian breathing beside me, feel his feet brush mine,  and I smile a smile of peace.  When I hear baby whimpers in the night, there is no dread. I'm not afraid of loosing a little sleep for a season.   I'm tired and my eyes are bleary as I rise...

...but this time...with my fifth baby...

...I know that these days and weeks are fleeting.  I lift her warm body, the body that still curls into itself like it did for almost nine months in my womb, and I kiss her pink cheeks, crusted with a bit of milk from her last feeding, and I memorize her gaze as she looks up at me in the dark.  Sometimes I prop up my pillow and nurse her before returning her to the basket.  I hold her tiny hand and enjoy the silence of the house.  Sometimes I snuggle her next to me until morning because I know it won't last.  Each sleepless night is another night closer to her being all grown up.

The nights are long.  I know I'll be tired in the morning,  but I also know it'll  be gone in a whirlwind.  This time around, I'm reveling in the breeze.