31 Days {Day 25}: Discipline and the Heart

I think right now the thing I struggle with most as a mother is keeping peace in our home.  As the kids get older, I struggle less and less with not getting enough sleep (I'm used to it!) and changing diapers all day long (I've changed diapers every day for almost nine years!), and more with getting my children to show love and compassion to each other in their daily interactions. 

Whether it is nit-picky squabbles over being bumped into on the way out of the bedroom door or the rolling-on-the-floor snatching matches over who was holding the toy first, it is frustrating trying to figure out what to do and how to get it to stop. 

Over a year ago, we implemented a new Bible-based system of having the children deal with their disagreements with each other before bringing them to me.  If Owen takes the pencil that Gavin was using, instead of tattling to me, Gavin should politely ask Owen to hand it back.  If Owen refuses to comply or throws it at him or has some other unsavory reaction, Gavin is then allowed to approach Brian or me for assistance and place the problem in our hands.  We love the concept of this plan and work daily on having the children understand why we do this, but reality is that in the heat of an argument, their first reaction is to yell, whine, stomp, and tattle. 

I used to require that my children apologize to each other after these ugly confrontations.  I'd have them face each other and parrot, "I'm sorry," and, "It's okay," but it all seemed rather meaningless.  Now I have a different approach.  I say, "I know you hurt your brother and I think you should apologize, but I am not going to make you.  I want you to actually be sorry before you say the words." 

You see, that is the key.  Racing to see who can jump on the favorite swing first or taking the last donut or grabbing toys or whining over whose turn it is to pick the music in the car are issues of the heart .  They are more than surface altercations. It boils down to, "I think I deserve better than you. I like my way better than yours," because...


"The heart is deceitful above all things."

I try to relate their issues to my own.  I may not whine about who sits next to me in the car, but do I complain when someone pulls out in front of me on the highway?  I don't hit my brother when he makes a face at me, but do I snap at my husband if he has to work late?  I don't complain about what's for dinner, but do I pout when I run out of milk?  Our problems and reactions may be different, but they all point to an "I deserve better" attitude.

There is no easy answer for this.  I know my children love each other.  I know it when I see them help Benjamin put on his coat and shoes to play outside, and when they hoist him up to play in the bed of Daddy's truck with them.  I know it when I see the excitement on their faces when they hear Alaine waking up from her nap.  I know it when I hear Owen tell Maddie that she is his best friend, but...

"The heart is deceitful above all things."

So basically, we are dealing with heart issues.  Yes, I need to be diligent in guiding and molding, but I also need to be mindful that parenting books, gimmicks, scolding, and time-outs are not the answer.

Jesus is.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.  In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! "

Want to catch up? 

{Day 1}: 31 Days For the Struggling Mama, {Day 2}: You Are Not Alone, {Day 3}: Your Situation is Unique, {Day 4}: Joys and Fears, {Day 5}: It's Okay, {Day 6}: Surviving, {Day 7}: The Hardest Age, {Day 8}: real life, {Day 9}, {Day 10}: The Hardest Number, {Day 11}: The Turning of the Seasons, {Day 12}: Go Along For the Ride, {Day 13}: Then and Now, {Day 14}: Confessions, {Day 15}: more real life, {Day 16}: Tackling Bedtime, {Day 17}: Worry, {Day 18}: Traveling With Kids, {Day 19}: He Said, {Day 20}: Know Your Trigger, {Day 21}: Fitting in Quiet Time, {Day 22}: real life again, {Day 23}: Managing Bathtime, {Day 24}: Handling Housework